


Powerless

by dreamofalamprey



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Crying, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern AU, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-18 20:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15494292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamofalamprey/pseuds/dreamofalamprey
Summary: Alex is bad at dealing with emotional stress. A storm rolls into town and pushes him over the edge. Lams-y hurt/comfort





	Powerless

Alexander Hamilton had had enough. Of everything. He'd had a royally shitty day at work, he was falling behind, and now this stupid storm was rolling in for the weekend like the icing on the fucking cake. He was on edge, to say the least. He would have liked nothing more than to lay on the couch and have one of his partners run their fingers through his hair, but that wasn't an option at the moment. He could tell his bad mood was annoying them, but he couldn't help it. 

So he said nothing of it, resorting to short sentences and clipped responses for a matter of days. He turned his back in bed, if he bothered to sleep at all. Most of his time he spent at the kitchen counter, earbuds in, typing away on his computer. Bringing work home was easier than dodging questions. 

He could only keep it up for a matter of time, though. On Friday night, he tried to power through a review of some old deposition, but found that he couldn't think straight. Not with it thundering outside. It shook the apartment, and he hated that he tensed every time.

In between the angry claps, he could just barely make out the sound of whispers. They were talking about him. How he always got like this and fucked everything up. 

He typed harder, and harder, hoping that the clicks of the keys would drown out all the noise. It didn't work. Another loud rumble of thunder tore through the sky again. The lights in the apartment flickered. Alexander's computer stalled. He hammered down on the keys, trying to get letters to show up on the show up on the screen to no avail. He couldn't even scroll down on the open document. 

"Oh, come on," he said under his breath, just wanting something to go his way. 

He couldn't deal with this right now. 

_"Come on, come on, come on-"_

Nothing. 

He slammed his fist down on the counter in frustration, closing his laptop violently. He yanked out his earbuds and jumped off of the stool, muttering to himself. The storm outside grew louder, and he could feel a lump building in his throat. He couldn't put up with this right now. He barely even registered when Eliza walked up to him, a cautious look upon her face. 

"Alexander, honey-"

She reached out to touch him, but he flinched, almost pushing her arm away from him. It was all too much. 

"Don't you fucking touch me!" he shouted, "don't _fucking_ touch me right now!"

Eliza stepped back, almost tripping over herself in her haste. It only took a split second for Alex to realize how badly he had messed up, but things were already spiraling out of control. 

"Hey, Alex, what the hell?" yelled John from across the room, on his feet at once. 

He looked from John's angry face to Eliza's scared one, almost frozen. What had he done? He could see Maria hovering near the front door, wringing her hands and shaking. His mouth went dry. 

"I- I'm- I'm sorry-"

He could only manage these couple of words before he panicked. He tore past John and Eliza, throwing apologies to no one in particular. He rushed into the closest bedroom, slamming the door behind him with all the force he could muster. 

As soon as it shut, he collapsed onto the bed, unable to hold back the tears that he had been fighting all week. He bit down on his lip, trying to keep himself from sobbing out loud and making things any worse. He didn't see how he was supposed to fix this. He was going to have to leave them. He didn't want to, but there wasn't another choice now. Not after he'd put them through all this shit and scared Eliza and shouted and made a scene. 

He swallowed the sob that was climbing up his throat and curled in on himself. Rain was beating down on the windows, thunder still building in the distance. He could hear them talking in the living room, just barely. Mostly John's voice, with hushed whispers from Eliza. It didn't last long. Alexander let out a whimper when he heard the door open and close. 

That much was inevitable, but it brought tears to his eyes none the less. They were leaving him. Of course they were leaving him. Why would they stick around when he was acting like this? Why would they ever want to be around him, for that matter? 

It was only when he heard the sound of one set of heavy footsteps that he realized he hadn't been left entirely alone. John was still in the apartment. Alexander felt his whole body tense as they came closer. The bedroom door opened.

"Is it okay if I come and lay down with you?"

John was using his gentle voice, which made him feel worse than ever. He gritted his teeth, grateful that his back was turned.

"Don't."

He meant it was a warning, but it came out broken and sad. He hated it and he hated himself. 

"You don't want me to?"

"I don't need you to."

John closed the door, then took another step closer to the bed. 

"Are you saying no? It's okay if you're saying no."

He was being patient. Too patient. Alexander didn't say anything for a second. He feared that if he spoke, he'd start crying.

"I'm saying it's fine."

"That's not an answer," John sighed, "Alex, you've been pushing us all away all week. I think it'll make you feel better."

This made him want to crack, but he wouldn't allow himself the luxury. He didn't deserve John's kindness.  

"Do whatever the fuck you want, I don't fucking care."

John didn't say anything, but Alexander could hear him pad across the bedroom floor. He felt the mattress dip, and he felt John wrap his arms around him. He wanted nothing more than to let go and melt into his embrace, but he warned himself to stay as still as possible. He didn't get to unravel now, after acting so childish all week. 

"It's okay, baby," John whispered to him, "you don't have to hold it in, it's okay."

Alexander gave a jerk of the head, trying to keep his body tense as it had been, trying to keep it together.

"No, it's not," he said harshly, "it's not okay." 

"It is. You're safe. I'm safe. Eliza and Maria are safe. We're all okay. You don't need to be strong right now."

He felt John's breath on the back of his neck. His face crumpled. 

"No-"

"Yes."

"No, John-" 

His voice broke. He couldn't finish his sentence. Tears clouded his vision. He couldn't help the mangled cry that made its way past his lips. He felt like a child in the moments that followed, unable to stop dry sobs, help in John's arms. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing there was no hiding this. 

"Shh," said John, dragging his gentle fingers up over Alexander's collarbones and back down again, "it's okay. It's okay to cry. I've got you, it's okay." 

Even though he knew that he was being selfish and childish and annoying and a thousand other terrible things, Alexander finally allowed himself to let go, grabbing John's hands and holding them tightly beneath his chin. His lips quivered, and he started up again, shaking where he lay. 

"Oh, Alex, come here-"

John pulled his arms away, gently turning Alex over so that they faced each other. He brought him close so that the smaller man could bury his face in his chest. Another clap of rumbled of thunder came, and he felt Alexander tense. 

"Is it the storm?" he whispered, looking down and brushing the hair out of Alexander's face, "is that what's been bothering you?"

Alexander's face crumpled and he shook his head back and forth. He was breathing heavily again, seemingly unable to stop the flow of tears. His voice was high and panicked.

"It's the storm and it's work and it's everything and I just can't _do_ anything right now," he said into the front of John's shirt, fighting very hard to keep his words steady. 

John frowned. 

"What are you talking about?" he asked in a whisper, "what's going on at work?"

Alexander sniffed. 

"It's all just - I don't know it's just - it's too much, John. It's too much and no matter what I do they all know what a fake I am and I know I annoy them all but I just  _can't help it."_

 

"Lex, I'm sure no one things badly of you like that. I think you're being to hard on yourself," John said softly, running a hand up and down Alexander's arm. 

"I'm not," said Alexander, still muffled by his own tears and material of John's shirt, "I'm not, John. I get too excited or angry and I start yelling and I can't stop-"

He swallowed hard. 

"I yelled at Eliza," he said in a small voice, "and I did'nt- I couldn't control myself."

John's face softened. 

"You did scare her pretty bad."

Alexander shrunk into him, breaking into fresh tears. 

"I know," he said, "I know I fucked up because that's what I do and-"

"No," John cut across, voice serious, "Alex, look at me- that isn't what you do. You made a mistake. A mistake, that's all. Because you've been stressed out and you've been cutting yourself off. None of this would have happened if you would have talked to us. You know that we all only want to help you, right?"

Alexander looked down. 

"Sorry."

John sighed. 

"You don't have to apologize to me, okay? I just want you to talk to me. You don't have to deal with all this stuff by yourself, okay?"

There was a pause. 

"Okay." 

John let out a breath and pulled Alexander closer. 

"Are Eliza and Maria upset?"

"I told them to go out for a few while we talked."

"I should talk to her."

John put his chin on Alexander's head. 

"You will. Later. Can you just stay here right now, though? I just want you to lay here with me. Let me hold you for a little."

Alexander shifted and searched for the beginning of an objection, but fell flat. He needed to just be quiet for a while. He took a dejected breath, and nestled back into John's chest, guilt and hurt still surging through his body.

"Okay," he said.

It would just be for a little.  


End file.
